


For Tonight

by beeche241



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25414348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeche241/pseuds/beeche241
Summary: The first 4th of July after JJ’s year in Afghanistan, she can’t bring herself to take Henry to see the fireworks. Emily helps her through the night.-Takes place sometime season 7 — after Afghanistan, but before 200, while Emily is still with the team.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 1
Kudos: 93





	For Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> I know that anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, and trauma can manifest in different ways for different people. Unfortunately, I can only write what I know, and it’s not entirely representative of how everyone experiences or overcomes these things. Still, hope you enjoy the fic, and feel free to let me know here or @bees-teas-and-cheese on tumblr if there’s anything you’d like to see in future fics~

_“I’m sorry, I just don’t feel great.”_

_“So...what? I just take Henry to see the fireworks by myself? He’s been looking forward to this all week.”_

_JJ was silent._

_She wasn’t sure if Will had felt how tense she was last night, when eager neighbors had begun their festivities early, but she knew that if she were to watch a fireworks show with her family tonight, a breakdown was inevitable._

* * *

Which was how JJ had ended up alone in the house, knees drawn to her chest, in the living room. She was on the floor, back against the couch, lacking the strength to even pull herself onto the cushions in a more comfortable position.

Another colorful explosion sounded off in the distance, and a round of cheering followed. JJ’s breath quickened, her mind taking her far from the safety of her home.

_“The convoy was attacked.”_

_“Hastings?”_

_“Taken, by Askari’s men.”_

Hands trembling, JJ grasped at her phone, and though her vision was blurred by panic, she somehow managed to dial for the only person she could think of.

_“There’s something else.”_

_…_

_“No…”_

_“I’m so sorry.”_

Her hand unconsciously wrapped around her torso, as it had that day. JJ felt her throat start to close up as the dial tone rang and the brilliant screen pierced the darkness of the room. Tendrils of fear enclosed her heart and froze her body, stirred by the festive sparks whistling across the sky a mile away. Half of her hoped the call wouldn’t be answered, the other half desperately needed that voice to ground her.

“JJ?” There was a hint of confusion in Emily’s voice, though she sounded cheerful alongside the sound of a multitude of background voices.

Of course. She was probably celebrating right now, like the rest of the country. JJ felt guilt join her anxiety as she stuttered out, “E-Emily.”

JJ could almost hear Emily’s smile fade as she detected the tone in the blonde’s voice.

“Are you okay? What’s going on?”

JJ started to speak but couldn’t think of what to say. Instead, she quickly clamped a hand over her mouth, so only a stifled sob escaped.

“I’ll be right there.”

* * *

“JJ? It’s me.”

A gentle knock on the door was a calming sound in contrast to the chaotic outbursts in JJ’s neighborhood, but it was still enough to cause her head to jolt up. She tried to calm her breath and answer the door but found that her legs were weak and unresponsive. Tears sprung to her eyes again as her whole body shook.

_I’m losing my mind._

_I can’t stand up._

_I can’t even breathe._

_I can’t…_

“JJ, I’m coming in.”

JJ felt a wave of relief as she thanked her past self for giving Emily a spare key. The door opened and soft footsteps began moving towards the living room. She felt, suddenly, a great tension between the reassurance of her friend nearby and an immense shame in Emily seeing her like this, helpless and overwhelmed.

“Oh, Jayje,” came the quiet murmur. Where JJ had expected pity, she found nothing but compassion.

A soothing hand found her shoulder but was quickly withdrawn as JJ tensed up instinctively, despite the comfort she knew was near. Emily sunk to the floor beside her, close, but not overwhelmingly so.

The sound of more fireworks, nearer this time, seemed to shake the house. JJ’s eyes slammed shut as she failed to hold back her hyperventilating breaths, mind flashing back to the explosion that had rocked her convoy car and the chaos and gunfire that had rained down on them after. She felt the world spin as she fell into the dirt, sinking into the excruciating moments where she had lost her child. A great chasm that had been in her heart all along was making itself painfully known. A reminder that those who said that emptiness was just nothingness had never felt it gnawing violently at their souls. Heart racing, chest tightening, gasping for air, everything unbearably _too much_.

_“Too many people have died for us.”_

Another explosion. JJ couldn't tell if this one was a part of her memory or not. She was utterly caught in between the present and the past, mind recalling images of both Afghanistan and her living room floor, until they melded together into a blinding white, and she sensed nothing but her strained breaths.

Another feeling, a slight pressure on her back and the words _breathe, breathe, it’s okay_ somehow made their way into her tangled mind. JJ leaned into it, and between her ragged breaths, the haze seemed to clear just enough to understand it was Emily’s hand, rubbing circles on her back as she tucked her head between her knees.

“You’re here. You’re safe. It’s okay.”

They both knew it wasn’t, but the words were something to hang on to regardless. An eternity seemed to pass before JJ raised her head shakily, still unable to bring herself to look her friend in the eye. She knew she owed Emily an explanation for pulling her away from a national celebration, but even as she spoke, she could feel the tears threaten to rip through her throat once again.

“I-I messed up. I can’t–"

JJ clenched her jaw and bit back another sob, not wanting to lose herself in the dizzying fear again.

“It’s okay,” came the gentle reply. "Look at me, Jayje."

And JJ did. She was met with concerned and patient brown eyes, searching hers for a way to help. They grounded her and kept her here, in these arms, in the present. JJ’s mind raced through all the things she couldn’t explain.

_Nadia and her daughter._

_The convoy was ambushed._

_I was pregnant, and I lost my baby._

_I lost my baby._

_I lost…_

_..._

But what could she say? Everything was horribly classified, her trauma hidden and locked away in manila folders and sealed safes. The word _Integrity_ mocked her as she turned and stared miserably at the ground again, unable to say anything at all.

Emily sensed it in the way JJ gritted her teeth and avoided her gaze, the normally bright blue eyes now lost in a storm of hurt. Her hand still on JJ’s back, Emily pulled the blonde closer into an embrace, slowly, as though asking for permission in the action. JJ allowed herself to rest in it, though her body was still tingling with anxiety and her breathing remained uneven.

“I’m sorry.” The words came mumbled and unexpected, but it was the only coherent thought JJ seemed to have through her mind’s maze of traumatic memories. An apology for all the things she wanted to say but couldn’t and for the guilt she felt in bringing Emily into this confusing pit with her.

The older agent responded only by tightening her grip and touching her lips to JJ’s hair, as though being closer to her head could help unravel the thoughts inside.

 _Don’t be_ , was the silent reply.

When another round of fireworks came, JJ let out a shuddering breath, but closed her eyes to focus on the strong, steady beat of Emily’s heart, forcing her own to sync.

JJ felt, rather than saw, Emily’s eyes roaming the empty house, wondering why the blonde had been left alone.

“Will took Henry to see the fireworks,” JJ’s voice came out hollow and unsteady, but she was grateful to speak about something, anything other than the events in Afghanistan.

A new rush of guilt suddenly threatened to push over: her inadequacy in being able to care for Henry because of her trauma. Her son had been overjoyed at the prospect of seeing those beautiful displays of fireworks with his parents, but JJ had let him down. The anxiety bloomed as the guilt extended back to her unborn child. What kind of mother was she? JJ felt her pulse quicken again, but the worry was quickly quelled by the gentle up and down stroke of Emily’s hand on her arm. It lurked there beneath the surface for a while, a shadow just beyond her reach that she was too afraid to confront, too tired to fight.

She would save the war for another day, but for tonight, it was enough of a battle to have her pain acknowledged, though it remained unsaid. Perhaps another day, everything would be revealed, and JJ would be able to do more than just silently lean into the comfort of her friend’s arms. Until then, it would remain an agonizing ache in her chest that would rise and fall with time, the _what ifs_ and the _if onlys_ burning a hole in her heart.

And for tonight, Emily knew that no words could bring enough comfort to soothe her friend, that it would take more than just her presence to work through JJ’s unspoken hurt. Perhaps another day, everything would be revealed, and Emily would be able to do more than just silently embrace JJ’s trembling frame. Until then, she would do whatever she could to be there for JJ through the rise and fall, to hold her and her heart.

It was enough for tonight.


End file.
